S.M.A.R.T. Relationship

Do you have a wise relationship with your SMART goals?

SMART goals can be healthy or toxic - depending on how we relate to them.

SMART goals like “lose 5 pounds by August” or “increase next quarter’s revenue by 15%” can be healthy if they are held in balance with deeper and describable (if not observable or measurable) goals like ‘live a life of balanced health’ or ‘maintain a vibrant and resilient corporate culture.’

On the flipside, a relationship of unthinking devotion to SMART goals can be actively toxic. Examples in our personal lives could be the pursuit of financial success at the cost of family and friends or life satisfaction. Examples from our corporate lives could be 'hitting the numbers’ at the cost of team burnout and turnover, or sacrificing ethics and/or quality.

SMART goals have been demonstrably foolish through history in their clear ability to undermine the deeper, wiser goals that include sustainability, resilience, meaning and satisfaction.

Detection

What aspects of your life are beyond measurement - but within the range of detection?

Measurement is the well-known process of determining the size, amount, or degree of (something) by using an instrument or device. The benefits of measurement - and the improved understanding that flows from clear data - has rippled through humanity for centuries.  

Valuable as measurement is, it is limited to the visible and tangible aspects of life. Aspects of life that can’t be measured, however, can still be detected. Detection is the process of identifying the presence of something concealed. Thoughtful detection - careful examination of the hidden aspects of our minds or relationships - can provide different benefits that can ripple through our lives for years to come. A life of fullness involves both measurement and detection.  

Intellectual Metabolism

How do you metabolize the mental input of each day?

The process of metabolizing the food we eat is so familiar we seldom think about it: within a long tube, food is broken down into the energy and raw material that sustain our body - and whatever isn’t useful keeps moving as waste.   

This seems like a great metaphor to inform how we process the vast quantity of intellectual input we consume each day. The conversations, articles, art, and emails (to name a few) are available as energy and raw material to sustain our inner lives. 

Much of my life has involved trying to metabolize diversity and disagreement into wisdom and new perspectives - or pain and failure into insight and motivation. This sort of transformation is important, but it’s only one half of the process of metabolism. The other half - arguably as important if not more - is avoiding the mental and internal blockage that happens when we hold on to what isn’t useful. Our guts have much to teach our heads.  

Contentment

What problems need to be solved, and which can be dis-solved with contentment? 

In our competitive world, “contentment” can sound like a bad thing - with overtones of settling for the mediocre. However, contentment can be powerful - a whole-hearted embrace of the infinite moment as it actually is - not as we wish it to be.  Acceptance of the present moment in this way may not solve our problems, but it can help dis-olve the pain they bring. 

While such a posture of radical acceptance can sometimes look (or feel) foolish, it is nonetheless a uniquely effective way to engage the flow of life. 

The present moment is the only time we can experience inner integration and its associated benefits (e.g., feelings of fullness or peace). I hope we can all take time today to step out of the dis-ease of constantly pursuing fulfillment of our every expectation and into an intentional posture of contentment. 

Well, it's not [rocket science]!?!

Working toward human change isn’t rocket science - it’s often much harder. 

I mean no disrespect, but how did rocket science become the standard for difficult jobs? Consider the structural advantages of rocket science: it involves a knowable number of variables (e.g., weight, wind direction, humidity, gravity) that can be measured precisely. Right answers can be found through math, and tests can be run on subsystems in ways that increase confidence in the final outcome. Most importantly, the constructed rocket has no independent motivation, values or perspective influencing its engagement or decisions.   

Parenting, teaching, helping people experiencing homelessness—or any other job working towards human improvement—involves no such structural clarity. Efforts like these involve not just a vast number of variables, but the influence of the variables on the final outcome evolve over time - meaning that there is no unambiguous right answer, much less one accessible by math. Most importantly, working toward human change is intrinsically tied to the engagement of the human(s) themselves - so the outcome is dependent on an entirely independent set of motivations, values and perspectives that influence the engagement and decisions. 

Two Truths and a Lie

Specific shortcomings should be evaluated in a specific frame. 

Failure. Missing out. Behind. These are all evaluative conclusions that often come not from the head so much as from the heart - and these heart-level conclusions often involve a mixture of truth and lie. It is true that our lives sometimes (or even often) fall short of our goals and expectations. It is also true that the overall dynamic that leads to this situation (i.e. setting goals, having expectations, doing our best, feeling the gap) can be a contribution to a healthy and fulfilling life. 

The lie is in the deeper meanings we often derive from these truths. The failure of a specific goal can land in our hearts as a much broader “I am a failure,” missing a specific event or opportunity lands as a broader “my life is missing out,” and falling behind on a project can feel like “my life is falling behind.” These deeper interpretations do NOT contribute to a healthy or fulfilling life. They rob the moment of joy, cloud our eyes to see the beauty in front of us, and put blinders on our ability to find new paths forward.  

Outcome Sets

Wise pursuit of complex goals involves balancing sets of outcomes, not focusing on simple metrics. 

The interconnections of real life are so seamless that they can be visualized as water - and every action we take - or program we start - is like throwing a rock into the pond of existence. Every action taken creates not just the initial splash that was intended, but also an expanding ripple of unintended but nonetheless inseparable outcomes.   

For example, while we can naturally think that a key outcome of dating is marriage, matrimony isn’t a simple outcome; it involves an interconnected set of outcomes spanning legal, emotional, relational and financial categories (to name a few). From this vantage, the work of marriage (or parenting, employment or any other life pursuit) is to navigate the changing profile of this outcome set with the goal of optimizing the overall mix over time. 

Shifting our thinking toward sets of outcomes and away from the simplistic focus on independent and intended outcomes will provide a big step toward more realistic planning and problem solving. 

Safe

Safety is an emotion - and should be managed as such.

But is it...(anxious pause filled with fear)...safe? 

Over my life of international travel and outdoor adventure, I've been asked this question scores of times. While on the surface this seems like a straightforward question, it hides a contradiction. The structure of the question assumes safety is a fact like color or weight or height. In reality, though, safety is less like a fact and more like an emotion. 

Why? Because while safety can be defined in terms of statistical probability (i.e. any situation where the risk of danger is less than a 1% chance of happening), the more relevant definition (and the one more often in play when someone asks “Is it … safe?”) is the condition of feeling safe. While we’re all capable of understanding the statistical facts about risk and danger, what tends to capture our attention is more often the emotion that surrounds risk and danger. The remarkably low statistical probability of a plane crashing, for example, is irrelevant to many at takeoff or during turbulence. 

Seeing safety as an emotion reveals how often it is manipulated to generate sales, votes, or behavior modification. Buyer beware.

Subjective Validity

Subjective feedback guides many important decisions; ignore it at your peril. 

These words together sound like an oxymoron, like ‘fun surgery.’ Much of our social conditioning points toward the conclusion that the only ‘real’ validity is objective; anything else must be an impostor. 

I object. 

The subjective dimensions of life have a profound validity all their own. Consider ratings for restaurants, movies, or hotels. Or pain scales, and testimonials from friends. All of these are inherently subjective - but still are valid and useful for informing important decisions. While there are varying levels of subjective validity (e.g., testimonial from a trusted friend vs. a Yelp review full of typos) we shouldn’t lose sight of the core point: subjective feedback can be significant and reliable.   

Subject to the Subjective

Engaging - not minimizing - subjectivity is a step toward wisdom.

We’ve all heard phrases like “Touchy feely.” “Woo.” “Just subjective.” These are never compliments – they’re more like rhetorical shields from the intangible world of the subjective. In fact, they’re generally just shorthand for putting someone’s experience or claim in a diminutive mental box labeled ‘distractions to be ignored by serious people.’ 

I object. 

Many of the deepest realities and experiences of life are subjective. Pain. Pleasure. Love. Trust. Hope. Beauty. Humor. Motivation. Desire. These and many more provide not just the color and texture of life, but comprise the invisible glue that holds relationships (and by extension) the world together. Most of the decisions of life (what to buy, who to marry, where to go to college, etc.) are influenced - or fully decided - by subjective factors. The sooner we can engage the inherent subjectivity of human life with intentionality, the sooner we will advance in wisdom. 

Objecting to the Objective

Objective truth objectifies: it's good for objects, but bad for people.

In common use, the words “objectively true’ are like a linguistic highlighter - underscoring that this truth is solid and reliable. Fair enough. However, the unspoken implication is that objective truth is the ONLY type that can reliably inform decisions.  

I object. 

Objectivity - a perspective free of context, perceived ideas and bias - is clearly critical in many dimensions of life - but not in all of them. 

Insisting that objectivity rules all dimensions of life contributes to deep harm. The standards of objective truth require objectification - which is appropriate for the visible world of objects but often harmful for the invisible domains of human life. Chairs and stars can be objectively measured but love and trust are inherently subjective; therefore, objectivity is clearly valuable for objects and somewhere between risky to harmful for everything else.

Invisible Seeds

Prioritize planting invisible seeds today for a visible harvest tomorrow!

Every aspect of the life we experience - friendships, family, buildings, entertainment, machines, etc. - has grown from invisible seeds like hopes, dreams or love. Like invisible DNA, the plans and designs that eventually take visible shape once started in an invisible world. 

This truth is relevant not because it is novel, but because it seldom impacts how we tend to prioritize. Our culture strongly prioritizes the tangible and visible world. However, the fruits (outcomes, technologies, buildings, etc.) we enjoy today are only possible because someone embraced the inherent risk of investing in the  deep and subjective invisible world–and planted invisible seeds!

Deploying Oughtas

We 'oughta' learn - there's no shortcut to lasting change.

Many of the changes we long for require cooperation with—or change in—someone else. Often, the bigger the change (e.g., ending homelessness, hunger, war, etc.) the more cooperation is needed. 

Clearly one of the greatest challenges is generating this needed cooperation. Leaders like Gandhi and Martin Luther King changed history for millions by organizing masses that were suffering terrible oppression. Mother Teresa changed the lives of many by inspiring volunteers and donors to help the poorest of the poor. Regardless of the cause or underlying motivation, the path toward large-scale and lasting change seems to be much longer and harder than most of us are willing to walk–and it relies on inspiring others to join us on that journey.

The apparent shortcut that seems increasingly popular is deploying oughtas to try to motivate collective action. We oughta burn less fossil fuel, buy local, donate more, eat less, etc. The catch is, deploying oughtas toward others merely adds one more to the swarm they already face. In the light of overwhelming and complex problems, adding one more oughta is simply unlikely to be effective. The kind of deep change that lasts seldom results from the implicit shame of another oughta, but instead grows slowly by uniting, nurturing and directing existing motivations. 

The Swarm of Oughtas

Finding freedom from inner pests

Soul-sucking oughtas swarm our days: we oughta eat greens, oughta exercise regularly, oughta floss, oughta save for retirement, oughta enjoy the little things, oughta volunteer, oughta mow the lawn, oughta vote - the swarm is practically limitless. In the rare moments when they appear one at a time they can be manageable - even helpful - by providing a nudge toward our better selves. But as a swarm? More like a draining nuisance or a prompt toward empty escape.

A surprising gift from COVID was a thinning of my swarm of oughtas, because I was forced to focus my energies on the moment and surrender my bigger illusions of capacity. I oughta remember that lesson in the days to come! 

Side Effects

What is the best mix of pros and cons you can pursue in your life today?

When it comes to medications, we are familiar with the reality of ‘side effects.’ We generally accept that healthcare involves tradeoffs, and because of this a doctor’s key job is to help ensure that the intended benefits (reduced pain, conquered bacteria or viruses, etc.) outweigh the unintended problems or risks (the bloating, nausea, diarrhea, or other problems read off at high speed at the end of the drug commercials).

Recently I’ve come to see how this reality of ‘side effects’ is not limited to healthcare – it shows up in nearly every dimension of life. International development, nonprofit organizations, education, parenting, careers, fitness, religion: most human endeavors involve a set of intended benefits or good things that are the focus of our efforts -- but also bring a set of unintended problems. The path forward is therefore to abandon the impossible path of seeking an ‘all pros, no cons’ approach, and instead seek to ensure that the intended benefits outweigh the unintended (but unavoidable) issues that arise.  

Overthrowing Tyrannical Metrics

Are metrics your master, or your servant?

Too much of our life is spent in the pursuit of numeric validation: 

• The number on the scale

• The amount of weight lifted

• The number of dollars in the bank 

• The size of the salary

The benefit of metrics like these is their ability to communicate with simplicity and clarity. Lost weight or more savings are certainly relevant indicators - they can point to something significant like improved health or greater financial freedom. However, the pervasive use of metrics keeps our attention focused on the pointing finger - instead of on the deeper truth that it’s pointing toward.  Depending on the context, weight loss can indicate greater health - or parasites or disease. Similarly, increased savings can indicate financial freedom - or increased fear. Tracking our progress toward significant and underlying goals like physical health or financial freedom requires more than numbers - it requires thoughtful attention to context and nuance.  

The way we use metrics - the level of authority we give them - can make them either helpful servants or tyrannical masters. The simplicity and clarity they provide can be useful, but tips toward tyranny if we don’t ask deeper questions about what they are indicating. COVID disrupted many aspects of life, and my hope is that as we take tentative steps forward, we’ll track our progress with thoughtful nuance, not just simple metrics. 

My ADD: Attention Deficit Device

How often do you use your Attention Deficit Device?

There once was a powerful wizard from the valley of sand. He knew the deep mystery that the greatest power in the world is not found in physical strength, military might, or riches - it is in the life-force that people direct to the here and now. The people knew of this directed life-force and called it ‘attention’ - but did not understand the full extent of its power.

So the wizard created a magic device. It made life better in many ways, and like all magic, it required an exchange: the bits of better life would be granted only in exchange for bits of the great but ignored power of attention. With this device the people could:

• Talk with people anywhere in the world - not here

• Hear music performed in the past - not now

• See photos of other places - not here

• Make plans for other times - not now

• Learn of the joy, sorrow, success and ideas of other people - not here

The wizard held great ceremonies where people lavished praise on him and his magic device. Soon other wizards from the valley of sand joined his effort and enhanced his device, making billions of copies and spreading them across the land. The valley of sand grew in power as wizards with lesser powers sought their help: Wizards with shops sought help selling products. Wizards in politics sought help winning voters. Even the great wizards of war came to the valley of sand for help, because they realized that battles won on land are empty victories compared with winning hearts and minds through the power of attention.

These devices became so helpful that the people soon found life impossible without them. I myself have one in my front pocket at all times, and even when I sleep it is near my bed.

Meanwhile, the wizards are wide awake, busily scheming new ways to captivate even more of my attention.

Tolerance, Precision, and Cost

What is the cost to our relationships of a small tolerance for different perspectives and priorities?

In engineering, tolerance is a numeric expression of the amount of variance that can be allowed for the project to still work. For example, the tolerance for leveling dirt in preparation for a road might be a few inches, while the tolerance for a machine that makes computer chips is microscopic. Engineering plans are carefully crafted to balance the benefits of greater precision against the pain of higher costs.  

With this understanding of the term, how much tolerance do we have for the perspectives and different priorities of other people? How much variance from our own perspective (which often feels like error) do we believe is allowable for our family, company, or society to ‘still work?’ Perhaps more importantly, do we recognize that maintaining a small tolerance toward others can incur high costs - like decreased collaboration or increased stress? Engineers intentionally balance the benefits of precision against the increased costs. How can we be similarly thoughtful in our own interactions? Relationships enjoy compelling benefits when they achieve high levels of like-mindedness, but these need to be balanced against the very real costs of pursuing that ‘high relational precision’, which can include strained or even broken relationships.  

Contribution of Love

What will you invest for those you love?

When pursuing goals for those we love (e.g., ourselves, our family), we readily lavish investments of time and energy for anything that could plausibly contribute toward success - proven causation isn’t needed. 

In sharp contrast, we typically expect proven causation for those that fall outside the scope of our love – but still fit within the range of our concern or obligation. Homeless people. Racial minorities. Kids in other neighborhoods. We expect that our money – including taxes or donations – will cause direct and clear results when applied to them. 

While this certainly sounds reasonable, it actually creates conditions that limit – or prevent –  success. If the scope of our public or nonprofit efforts are limited to the few areas that demonstrate countable and direct causation, we won’t create the conditions that contribute to flourishing over time. Love motivates an approach built around hope and a willingness to do whatever will contribute to better outcomes. Expectation of clear and direct causation motivates an approach that is constrained and limited in ways that paradoxically often contribute to worse outcomes. 

The demand for proven causation from nonprofit or government programs might sound reasonable, but a more loving approach might just be more successful. 

Causation Bias

When do you require proven causation?

The public expectation around government or charitable programs is that they will cause change: we expect a direct, proven, and clear connection between the money we spend and the goals. This doesn’t seem biased - it seems prudent. I held this expectation for years until I was confronted with two disturbing inconsistencies:

1. I don’t require proven causation before spending money and effort on my children...or for anyone else I love. For those people, I’ll happily do whatever will plausibly contribute to improvement. For example, parents don’t look toward random control studies to prove that sports, music, or other extracurricular activities will cause success in life - they typically give their offspring anything that just might contribute toward a better life.  

2. Similarly, nobody pursuing a goal within a complex field (i.e. athletics, academics, professional success, etc.) waits for proven causation before spending their own money and effort. Athletes don’t wait for a random control trial to prove that a better coach or new training approach will cause success on the field. Again, for broad goals in complex environments, money and effort are regularly expended in the hope of contributing toward better outcomes. Proven causation is not required.

On the surface, requiring proven causation might look wise, but when considered in a broader frame it is often biased against those outside our circle of love and concern.